I Hate Tom Cruise

I hate Tom Cruise. He’s not just a dickhead, he’s a Moby Dickhead. I don’t know if it’s the preppy, Reaganite vibes that radiate from his every smile, or the way he claps his hands and shouts ‘Wooooh’ when he gets excited in his earlier films. But I hate him. I hate his Scientology, his creepy proclamations of love for his child bride, and, most of all, his obvious belief that he has talent of some kind. He doesn’t. His acting is awful. He hasn’t made a half-decent film in years. He has no charm on screen or off. I remember this one time, in London, someone shot him with a water pistol, and rather than laugh like a normal person, he kept saying ‘Why would you do that? Why would you do that? You’re an asshole.’ He made the guy who shot him apologise, and the spineless fool did. If I had shot Tom Cruise, and he’d asked me why I did it, I would have said ‘Because I assumed you had a sense of humour, you short prick.’