Evolution

In the beginning, the Earth was nothing but a dead ball of rock, drifting through space. And then, one day, we evolved. With the aid of our superior technology, we eventually defeated the dinosaurs and became masters of the planet. But how, exactly did we evolve? That's a very good question. Let's take a look...We are made of something called AMINO acids. That's why we're called AMInals. At the start, there was nothing but empty water and land, and then these amino acids started gathering randomly, by chance, to make bigger and bigger, and more complex forms of life. Some of these creatures lived on a meat diet, which means they ate one another. Others had a vegetarian diet, which means they ate only vegetarians.

The above is the history of evolution, as agreed upon by most scientists. I think the job they are doing is wonderful, but I have a few complaints. For a start, there are several things that I need them to invent, in order to make my life funnier. Firstly, I want a giant hand that makes a honking sound every time it comes in contact with a female breast. Secondly, I would like something called a 'monkeyscope'. These haven't been made yet, and I don't know what they are, but it's a fantastic word. Another word I love is 'ne'er-do-well'. Thirdly, I want a device that automatically detects my mood and makes the air around me smell a way that will soothe me and keep me calm. Fourthly, do you remember The Matrix? I want someone to invent something to go back in time and erase the sequels.